I skimmed through and realized I didn't post any entry in 2014. Perhaps my life last year was all tied up with decisions and transitions that I never really had time to blog, or did not find any interesting episode to blog about. Or probably it's because I was not troubled. (I blog and blabber when something is troubling me!)
I took a big leap of faith and again moved back to Singapore. It's just so coincidental that even if I chose to return to Manila, my work life is so much tangled with Singapore project and stakeholders, that probably again brought me back to Singapore. Not to mention, the clincher probably is my desire to renew my Singapore residency, which is expiring in a few month's time.
My first work day was 1-Aug-2015. The days were bright and sunny, and even rosy. I have never been much happier at work. Everything seemed to be on my side, the cards well dealt and played. There were tiring and annoying moments, but it really didn't matter. Then slowly something seems to change. I must admit, it's because of my clumsiness, my candidness, my comfy mood, my straight-forward no-nonsense behaviour, my weird humor (or you may say playfully sarcastic). Of which, someone finally snapped off at me. It was an excruciating moment of me wondering why, rummaging around what exactly had I done wrong, and trying desperately to figure out how to correct the situation. No matter how I knocked, the door is just opening.
This year I finally understood why when the heartless person (ex-friend) finally told me why. It was a painful experience of self-doubt. I was told I am a negative person, that I look down on other people's worth. I've always been a careful person, careful and mindful of other people's needs, sometimes even putting them before myself. I am not good in words, but I am more than sure I compensate with actions more than anyone else. I do have an expression disorder. I couldn't understand how can someone be so mean, after all the help I had extended. I always say I never wanted anything in return when I do good to other people, but the slight decency perhaps of being a little cautious in dealing with me - I am not sure if that is too much to ask. Being the jolly and cheery person that I am around friends, this is the first time in my life that I doubted myself. Tears started falling from my eyes...
I thought of redeeming myself, explaining myself several times... I just felt I am misjudged. I probably cared about the friendship we had built. I somehow felt so abused and used, to the point I wished I never met the person at all... I couldn't discount the fact that the person always helped me in some ways, perhaps probably why I opened up my mind too freely. I was never an open person, I only speak my mind when I feel there is a connection, however I was wrong. Anyway, I already had started backing off, and yet I was told yesterday that 'can we take out the friendship component and just work together professionally, because I am already so biased with you'... My head is so achingly spinning. I do not know what the other person is thinking. It's the first time in my life when I sincerely gave a friendship and someone wanted to cut it off? and verbally telling me the 'unfriend' thing. Is it really my problem? Now I had to force myself to 'rollback' to 0. How can someone be so cruel? I seemed to be manipulated. I do not know how to react. Now I have to psyche myself to again pretend that we are strangers? Is this some kind of a psychotic role-play where you can push STOP and REWIND button? Why do I have to go through this kind of weird people. Life is trying to teach me not to trust people easily. This is among those vulnerable moments in my life. I am very glad I still have very few trustworthy people to seek guidance with.
Oh God, please give me the strength to overcome this. I know I will. Thanks.
