Time flies. I probably would not have revisited this blog if not for the lockdown (i.e. circuit breaker period). And seriously no matter how hard I think, I just couldn't remember what is the handler I used for my blog. Luckily I remember what email address I used.
So many things have happened. I had the biggest fear of my life unfolded in front of me, which is losing my most favorite person in the world. My mom. I just dreamt of her again last night, and I woke up in tears. :(
It takes one to know one. Unless you yourself have lost your own mom or dad, don't assume you understand. You just won't and no amount of imagination could get you anywhere close.
I looked through my old posts randomly. With so many smileys and jokes and sunshine in most of the old post, I could just smirk. Has life really been so carefree? For a person my age, youth has drifted. So is naivete. I couldnt bring myself to laugh again on corny kiddie things. Well maybe I am good in sporting a fake laugh anytime, anyway.
As one mature, the new topics in town would be
a) how much investments do you have for your retirement
b) how much insurance and hospitalization coverage do you have
c) what fuels you or what is your real passion or interests
I used to think I want to retire at 40 when I graduated at 21. So scary time just come by so fast. With 40 around the corner, hell no, i will go mad without work.
I used to be so happy jamming my schedule back to back with whatever activities that I fancy. and with the lockdown, I suddenly find myself with so much much time. So much unproductive time that makes it scary.
I'm glad that I chose a field that is still somehow stable and somehow covid-proof, meaning at the very least, enabled for remote working. My sisters and my friends back home are not that lucky, they have been literally idle and couch-potatoing.
I got fascinated with trading stocks (again). Anyone who bought Tesla must be grinning from ear to ear.
Right now, the thought of being able to 'dine in' a restaurant, be it a simple coffee or hawker, is just so enticing. I wish to do that very very soon.
No more planes, no more advance booking. I am missing those wandering moments.
That's it for now.
Thursday, May 28, 2020
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
See You Tomorrow - OST
Below is the translation of OST
I always don't speak up
because i am afraid
that no one will reply
I always don't fight back
because i know
the world is too big
Too many time wasted
Too many things to face
Too many that they don't matter
Too many things hard to differentiate the truth
Too many rumors and issues
Who is by your side
Chorus:
The tiny me
has a big dream
Time continues to move forward, there's a crossroad but there's no end
The challenges in this world
The only understanding
Is for you to let me stay by your side
I'll accompany you
The tiny me
the lowliest dream
I realize the world is not so so different
If reality does not treat you fair
Don't dwell too much about it
Let's go. The rainbow after a storm
Maybe it will end up as empty
Maybe it will be ordinary
Maybe the complex world you would never understand
All the crossroads in our lives
They are not the ending
Don't be afraid, let me stay by your side
I'll accompany you
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Retirement Aftermath
So today I got... promoted! It's been a long wait since October after going thru interview, waiting forever for results that always seems clueless. Getting a promotion is like waiting for all the stars to align themselves perfectly in a constellation. Timing and luck come into play. I am thankful I got it.
It - means my retirement title as well. Please don't look down at me but I am not as ambitious as people think I am. I am happy where I am at the current state. I really don't want to go into next level anymore. Enough is enough. Politics just get dirty as you move up. I'm ok to stay put, as long as they don't take my job away.
My happiness comes from unexpected people who cared enough to message me 'well-deserved'. (the most awkward thing would probably be everyone around you feels you just 'got lucky' for being the chosen one). From XX vendors in the townhall who told me verbally that in the past 3 years, no one cared for them like I did. Face it, I was a consultant/vendor before who gets dragged into weekend work regularly cracking my head to match the numbers. It takes one to know one.
I am becoming popular for organizing send-off parties. They say it is a thankless job. It is. Why do it? For the simple reason where I associate it as a 'corporate burial'. It's the last opportunity to thank the person for all the hard work he has done. Why be stingy about it. Several have told me I'm the 'best manager' around. It really warms my heart. I hope I don't disappoint.
I didn't plan anything. Few years ago I got kicked out. I changed track unconsciously. I got relocated back. Everything seems to fall into place perfectly.
I am indeed an outlier and I have to admit I am stubborn. In travel, I feel 'it is the destination, not the journey'. I couldn't appreciate the beauty of getting lost and maneuvering through unfamiliar directions, party because I am not streetsmart and my memory is bad (I know my weakness of course). I just want to see Eiffel Tower. I just want to see Great Ocean Road. period. and I like the less hassle way. Unless I am going with someone special whom I would like to get 'lost' together with in this journey, then it's a different story.
But in this case, yes only in life's journey, I enjoyed the 'journey'. Journey of working with people. Journey of meeting very few people whom I have high respect. Journey of meeting people who mentors me sincerely. Journey of truly engaging, guiding and helping people. Journey of playing games too. Journey of touching lives.
I hate micro management and I never do it. I wake up everyday at 8am. Reaches office before 930am. Leaves office by 630-730pm. Life is cool, how else can I complaint. (I hope this stays for long, no shakings again pls) So yes as long as you don't track my time-in time-out, I also won't track yours, let's do it 'free and easy'.
I wish how smooth my career be, that would be the same as I would have in lovelife. Seems like jinx has been following me for some time already. I think I also lost a good friend somewhere along the way. I don't like sharing guys, period.
I have enough friends to hang out with. I then realize the true friends who I bother to message for both good and bad news can only be counted by the handful. Apart from my family which of course is a staple, I feel having a friend on the same tangent, same plane - that is not easy. I had an accident few years ago that scarred me for life, I never reached out to anyone. When people kicked me out, I also just kept quiet. This time around for the promotion, deep inside I am really overwhelmed, however even in positive happy times, I am still keeping quiet (except for a few trusted folks). Guess that is just the way I am, low-profile. People will anyway find it out some other way in some other time. Please don't judge me. I admit I am weird.
Today would have been an almost perfect day except for life's daily nuisance. If people can stop reacting and stop bugging me and ruining 'my day' for petty things, life would have been a better place to live in.
It - means my retirement title as well. Please don't look down at me but I am not as ambitious as people think I am. I am happy where I am at the current state. I really don't want to go into next level anymore. Enough is enough. Politics just get dirty as you move up. I'm ok to stay put, as long as they don't take my job away.
My happiness comes from unexpected people who cared enough to message me 'well-deserved'. (the most awkward thing would probably be everyone around you feels you just 'got lucky' for being the chosen one). From XX vendors in the townhall who told me verbally that in the past 3 years, no one cared for them like I did. Face it, I was a consultant/vendor before who gets dragged into weekend work regularly cracking my head to match the numbers. It takes one to know one.
I am becoming popular for organizing send-off parties. They say it is a thankless job. It is. Why do it? For the simple reason where I associate it as a 'corporate burial'. It's the last opportunity to thank the person for all the hard work he has done. Why be stingy about it. Several have told me I'm the 'best manager' around. It really warms my heart. I hope I don't disappoint.
I didn't plan anything. Few years ago I got kicked out. I changed track unconsciously. I got relocated back. Everything seems to fall into place perfectly.
I am indeed an outlier and I have to admit I am stubborn. In travel, I feel 'it is the destination, not the journey'. I couldn't appreciate the beauty of getting lost and maneuvering through unfamiliar directions, party because I am not streetsmart and my memory is bad (I know my weakness of course). I just want to see Eiffel Tower. I just want to see Great Ocean Road. period. and I like the less hassle way. Unless I am going with someone special whom I would like to get 'lost' together with in this journey, then it's a different story.
But in this case, yes only in life's journey, I enjoyed the 'journey'. Journey of working with people. Journey of meeting very few people whom I have high respect. Journey of meeting people who mentors me sincerely. Journey of truly engaging, guiding and helping people. Journey of playing games too. Journey of touching lives.
I hate micro management and I never do it. I wake up everyday at 8am. Reaches office before 930am. Leaves office by 630-730pm. Life is cool, how else can I complaint. (I hope this stays for long, no shakings again pls) So yes as long as you don't track my time-in time-out, I also won't track yours, let's do it 'free and easy'.
I wish how smooth my career be, that would be the same as I would have in lovelife. Seems like jinx has been following me for some time already. I think I also lost a good friend somewhere along the way. I don't like sharing guys, period.
I have enough friends to hang out with. I then realize the true friends who I bother to message for both good and bad news can only be counted by the handful. Apart from my family which of course is a staple, I feel having a friend on the same tangent, same plane - that is not easy. I had an accident few years ago that scarred me for life, I never reached out to anyone. When people kicked me out, I also just kept quiet. This time around for the promotion, deep inside I am really overwhelmed, however even in positive happy times, I am still keeping quiet (except for a few trusted folks). Guess that is just the way I am, low-profile. People will anyway find it out some other way in some other time. Please don't judge me. I admit I am weird.
Today would have been an almost perfect day except for life's daily nuisance. If people can stop reacting and stop bugging me and ruining 'my day' for petty things, life would have been a better place to live in.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
The Time I Doubted Myself
I skimmed through and realized I didn't post any entry in 2014. Perhaps my life last year was all tied up with decisions and transitions that I never really had time to blog, or did not find any interesting episode to blog about. Or probably it's because I was not troubled. (I blog and blabber when something is troubling me!)
I took a big leap of faith and again moved back to Singapore. It's just so coincidental that even if I chose to return to Manila, my work life is so much tangled with Singapore project and stakeholders, that probably again brought me back to Singapore. Not to mention, the clincher probably is my desire to renew my Singapore residency, which is expiring in a few month's time.
My first work day was 1-Aug-2015. The days were bright and sunny, and even rosy. I have never been much happier at work. Everything seemed to be on my side, the cards well dealt and played. There were tiring and annoying moments, but it really didn't matter. Then slowly something seems to change. I must admit, it's because of my clumsiness, my candidness, my comfy mood, my straight-forward no-nonsense behaviour, my weird humor (or you may say playfully sarcastic). Of which, someone finally snapped off at me. It was an excruciating moment of me wondering why, rummaging around what exactly had I done wrong, and trying desperately to figure out how to correct the situation. No matter how I knocked, the door is just opening.
This year I finally understood why when the heartless person (ex-friend) finally told me why. It was a painful experience of self-doubt. I was told I am a negative person, that I look down on other people's worth. I've always been a careful person, careful and mindful of other people's needs, sometimes even putting them before myself. I am not good in words, but I am more than sure I compensate with actions more than anyone else. I do have an expression disorder. I couldn't understand how can someone be so mean, after all the help I had extended. I always say I never wanted anything in return when I do good to other people, but the slight decency perhaps of being a little cautious in dealing with me - I am not sure if that is too much to ask. Being the jolly and cheery person that I am around friends, this is the first time in my life that I doubted myself. Tears started falling from my eyes...
I thought of redeeming myself, explaining myself several times... I just felt I am misjudged. I probably cared about the friendship we had built. I somehow felt so abused and used, to the point I wished I never met the person at all... I couldn't discount the fact that the person always helped me in some ways, perhaps probably why I opened up my mind too freely. I was never an open person, I only speak my mind when I feel there is a connection, however I was wrong. Anyway, I already had started backing off, and yet I was told yesterday that 'can we take out the friendship component and just work together professionally, because I am already so biased with you'... My head is so achingly spinning. I do not know what the other person is thinking. It's the first time in my life when I sincerely gave a friendship and someone wanted to cut it off? and verbally telling me the 'unfriend' thing. Is it really my problem? Now I had to force myself to 'rollback' to 0. How can someone be so cruel? I seemed to be manipulated. I do not know how to react. Now I have to psyche myself to again pretend that we are strangers? Is this some kind of a psychotic role-play where you can push STOP and REWIND button? Why do I have to go through this kind of weird people. Life is trying to teach me not to trust people easily. This is among those vulnerable moments in my life. I am very glad I still have very few trustworthy people to seek guidance with.
Oh God, please give me the strength to overcome this. I know I will. Thanks.
I took a big leap of faith and again moved back to Singapore. It's just so coincidental that even if I chose to return to Manila, my work life is so much tangled with Singapore project and stakeholders, that probably again brought me back to Singapore. Not to mention, the clincher probably is my desire to renew my Singapore residency, which is expiring in a few month's time.
My first work day was 1-Aug-2015. The days were bright and sunny, and even rosy. I have never been much happier at work. Everything seemed to be on my side, the cards well dealt and played. There were tiring and annoying moments, but it really didn't matter. Then slowly something seems to change. I must admit, it's because of my clumsiness, my candidness, my comfy mood, my straight-forward no-nonsense behaviour, my weird humor (or you may say playfully sarcastic). Of which, someone finally snapped off at me. It was an excruciating moment of me wondering why, rummaging around what exactly had I done wrong, and trying desperately to figure out how to correct the situation. No matter how I knocked, the door is just opening.
This year I finally understood why when the heartless person (ex-friend) finally told me why. It was a painful experience of self-doubt. I was told I am a negative person, that I look down on other people's worth. I've always been a careful person, careful and mindful of other people's needs, sometimes even putting them before myself. I am not good in words, but I am more than sure I compensate with actions more than anyone else. I do have an expression disorder. I couldn't understand how can someone be so mean, after all the help I had extended. I always say I never wanted anything in return when I do good to other people, but the slight decency perhaps of being a little cautious in dealing with me - I am not sure if that is too much to ask. Being the jolly and cheery person that I am around friends, this is the first time in my life that I doubted myself. Tears started falling from my eyes...
I thought of redeeming myself, explaining myself several times... I just felt I am misjudged. I probably cared about the friendship we had built. I somehow felt so abused and used, to the point I wished I never met the person at all... I couldn't discount the fact that the person always helped me in some ways, perhaps probably why I opened up my mind too freely. I was never an open person, I only speak my mind when I feel there is a connection, however I was wrong. Anyway, I already had started backing off, and yet I was told yesterday that 'can we take out the friendship component and just work together professionally, because I am already so biased with you'... My head is so achingly spinning. I do not know what the other person is thinking. It's the first time in my life when I sincerely gave a friendship and someone wanted to cut it off? and verbally telling me the 'unfriend' thing. Is it really my problem? Now I had to force myself to 'rollback' to 0. How can someone be so cruel? I seemed to be manipulated. I do not know how to react. Now I have to psyche myself to again pretend that we are strangers? Is this some kind of a psychotic role-play where you can push STOP and REWIND button? Why do I have to go through this kind of weird people. Life is trying to teach me not to trust people easily. This is among those vulnerable moments in my life. I am very glad I still have very few trustworthy people to seek guidance with.
Oh God, please give me the strength to overcome this. I know I will. Thanks.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Merry Merry Christmas 2013
Few minutes to Christmas! Merry Merry Christmas everyone :)
This is the first time I'm spending Christmas in Manila after 2006. Cheers!
I hope I can make it to the morning mass tom :))
This is the first time I'm spending Christmas in Manila after 2006. Cheers!
I hope I can make it to the morning mass tom :))
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Can't Stop Laughing
After realizing that I only sort of remember to scribble when I'm feeling down, today I kept on laughing on some matter.(which of course I won't elaborate). I sometimes hope to 'resurrect' this blog to give it an interesting glow again. So first time I'm scribbling something in a positive mood.
When I'm on my emo days, something finally cheered me up again. Something that is quite miniscule. :p
This week seems to be a lucky week at work. (Omg, why does work have to be part of my life, entangled so much that I can't break free). I tried to pull myself back, however doors seem to open from far away. Doors that knock and I still feel reluctant or half-hearted to open. I would really be surprised if one day, I end up waking up in one of those. There seems to be a lot of options suddenly here and there. Let's see.
I attended my own graduation today. Sounds weird why after 10 years graduting in college, then again there's a graduation for me in this Leadership program in office. It's like the feeling-MBA days in Singapore where I get to read case studies again, the times when I took up Asia Pacific Marketing. I didnt know Howard Schultz of Starbucks was of humble nature.
Sometimes I do like my mom's simple life. Staying at home. No deadlines. No meetings. I secretly wanted to be like that since a kid? When I graduated in college, I remembered my bestfriend asked me what do I want to be. I said, I don't wanna be in corporate. And till now, I'm still sucking it up. I need the pay because there are so much things I want to do. Hence fair enough, there's a trade-off.
Glad the rainy season seems to be ending. And then the funny syndrome of hearing Christmas songs as early as September. Sunny days are here again. (Is this too early?)
When I'm on my emo days, something finally cheered me up again. Something that is quite miniscule. :p
This week seems to be a lucky week at work. (Omg, why does work have to be part of my life, entangled so much that I can't break free). I tried to pull myself back, however doors seem to open from far away. Doors that knock and I still feel reluctant or half-hearted to open. I would really be surprised if one day, I end up waking up in one of those. There seems to be a lot of options suddenly here and there. Let's see.
I attended my own graduation today. Sounds weird why after 10 years graduting in college, then again there's a graduation for me in this Leadership program in office. It's like the feeling-MBA days in Singapore where I get to read case studies again, the times when I took up Asia Pacific Marketing. I didnt know Howard Schultz of Starbucks was of humble nature.
Sometimes I do like my mom's simple life. Staying at home. No deadlines. No meetings. I secretly wanted to be like that since a kid? When I graduated in college, I remembered my bestfriend asked me what do I want to be. I said, I don't wanna be in corporate. And till now, I'm still sucking it up. I need the pay because there are so much things I want to do. Hence fair enough, there's a trade-off.
Glad the rainy season seems to be ending. And then the funny syndrome of hearing Christmas songs as early as September. Sunny days are here again. (Is this too early?)
Sunday, September 29, 2013
That familiar feeling
...令人遗憾的, 令人悲伤的.
Sometimes technology probably isn't good. Facebook, twitter, instagram, all makes you updated of things related to your past that you really don't keep track of anymore, the past that was already so far away. Things that you can't change.
That familiar feeling. When your heart skips a bit, pounds a little bit faster. Excited, overwhelmed, ecstatic. Stumbled. Faltered.
And you started wondering if you will ever feel the same way again.
What if you don't? What if intensity is not the same? The scary feeling when you mature a little day by day and you feel you understand yourself all the more, as vivid as the water.
What would you do?
... Just smile, because there's always something better. Cest la vie.
這條路 究竟多少崎嶇 多少坎坷途...
如果說 一切都是天意 一切都是命運
終究已注定
是否 能再多愛一天 能再多看一眼
傷會少一點
如果說 一切都是天意 一切都是命運
誰也逃不離
無情無愛 此生又何必
Sometimes technology probably isn't good. Facebook, twitter, instagram, all makes you updated of things related to your past that you really don't keep track of anymore, the past that was already so far away. Things that you can't change.
That familiar feeling. When your heart skips a bit, pounds a little bit faster. Excited, overwhelmed, ecstatic. Stumbled. Faltered.
And you started wondering if you will ever feel the same way again.
What if you don't? What if intensity is not the same? The scary feeling when you mature a little day by day and you feel you understand yourself all the more, as vivid as the water.
What would you do?
... Just smile, because there's always something better. Cest la vie.
這條路 究竟多少崎嶇 多少坎坷途...
如果說 一切都是天意 一切都是命運
終究已注定
是否 能再多愛一天 能再多看一眼
傷會少一點
如果說 一切都是天意 一切都是命運
誰也逃不離
無情無愛 此生又何必
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)