So hard to say goodbye...

It's been a long time since I last cried.

Again, another friend is leaving. Not just a friend, but rather a best friend. My kumare had decided to take another role from her company's Europe office. I just sent her off to airport few minutes ago. I thought I'd be able to hold back, but then tears just kept falling and we both were laughing and crying at the same time.

Living away from home for the past 3 years have been bearable because of really good friends like her. We have too many similar interests that made it so effortless to blend. And now with her leaving is like one less friend, one less good listener, confidant, activity partner. Unknowingly there are people who have become too integral part of your life, they're among the first few people you think of when you want to share a good news, and also the first you run to when you have burdens that have become too heavy to carry. When they are away, you suddenly feel lost on how to live a life again without them. :(

People come and go, but I wish I find more of those who really stay. It's quite emotionally stressful to send people off. :((

I wrote this quote in my goodbye email in my last company.. it suits the mood tonight 'We part to meet again'....

I Wanna Sleep Some More!

Recently I read in a Yahoo article that the ideal number of sleep hours is 7. Too little is obviously not good, but I didn’t know that too much of it is also not good and can cause strokes.

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/heart/articles/2008/07/17/too-much-too-little-sleep-linked-to-stroke-risk.html

I am forcing myself to sleep early every night, but seems like I don’t succeed in doing so. Thanks to all the bad influences that have made this a chronic and unbreakable habit for me lol. I seem to be struggling everyday in the morning. (these were the days before the doomsday project)

Extreme case: I was in the office pantry, half-awake. Normally we have this reflex to turn a mug upside down to make sure there’s no water in it before dispensing coffee or any drink. I did the same, guess what, I forget I had just placed oatmeal on it. Viola, I spilled all the oats into the floor. Luckily no one is around, I silently tiptoed back to my seat like a quiet mouse. :p

Actually my previous job requires to be in office at 10am. Present job is a bit earlier, we should be in at 9:30am. Both are already considered late, normal standards are usually 9am or even 830am here. But hey sleeping 5 extra minutes in the morning feels actually like heaven!

If drowsiness can kill, I guess I would have been dead decades ago.

The biggest accomplishment on my July vacation was that I was able to wake up at 11am for four straight mornings. Thanks to the fantastic weather: no doubt it was raining every single day that added more to my laziness.

After starting to work from graduation, this is the only time I was able to do it again. I’ve always dreamt of a stint of bumming period, but seems like I am meant for a busy life :( Spot the common denominator in the number series...
1st job: May 17 to Apr 5
2nd job: Mar 26 to Dec 22
3rd job: Dec 5 to present

Job start dates…my last day of work is always overlapping with the next job! Pathetic! Loser! I cant seem to negotiate well. Or to be frank, all were unplanned job changes and career shifts, I am not confident people will wait for me :(

My mom used to say, ‘ndi ka pa naman sobrang naghihirap sa pera, you can afford a few days off before starting’. Huhu I also don’t know why I always mess up.

And I wonder when I sleep, can I dream inside a dream and how many layers are possible? Inception mode? I’m afraid to fall into limbo.

Ok ok this has gone way too far as an entry for sleeping.

Don’t take me wrong. I just want to sleep, not die. I still want to wake up!

And nothing happened..

This is what happened... nothing. As simple as that.

After a grueling, struggling, agonizing week of scratching my head and being bullied, this week starts off with all smiles, strangely. I got greeted with smiles by the senior bullies in the office on Monday. In group chats, I received some 'thanks leslie' with smiley icons once in a while. The bullies have become polite. Note that the doomsday project is not over yet.

I have no idea why the sudden change. Anyway I wont complaint, this is of course better. If you keep pushing, you might not like what you see when you challenge my patience limit. How I wish I can do AWOL or submit my papers with the note 'effectively immediately', a friend of mine has done that, I wonder how it felt :p

I felt like a dog! Sinisipa ka the other week, hinihimas-himasan ka nman ngyon, like nothing happened. Not funny. No fun. Do not groom me to be a bitch!

You are such an a**hole

And my career goal in life remains unchanged: retire. :p

Shoot Them All - updated rants

This is the lousiest week. When people make u look bad and can really make you feel you are the most stupid and slowest person on earth.

P.I. i dont know how many times these words kept repeating in my mind (or actualy murmuring them in my seat). Walang santa santa pag sumosobra.

I really cannot understand what this new dreaded task being assigned to me is about. Ganon na lng ba lagi? I dont want to think no more...

Dont pull the trigger please.

*updated*

It happened because my teammate went on paternity leave without handling anything. Unexpectedly I didnt know I am supposed to take over. I dont know at all what is going on. People are really smart ass, and compared to them, I am way way behind. I cannot just grasp things like that in a instant. In the real world, there are always people who are far more intelligent and capable than me. They just can handle anything.

I work in a top bank, pre-merger time, it is prestiguous enough to be mentioned in SATC movie (I didnt notice that before I watch that film in the moviehouse again). I cannot commit mistakes because a trading app that goes haywire means $ losses for the company - my boss told me that explicitly on my first day, because he knew I am not from investment bank background. We have monthly celebration that serves nonstop wine (i dont know the brands) and beer dripping from faucet (Herdinger and whatever brands) and fancy food catering. The best thing is finally I am able to have a real 930am-630pm job. When the clock ticks to 630pm, everyone is like being tossed of their chairs. Staying till 730-8pm already means martyrdom.

But still, the most painful thing is when you dont understand, because nobody is gonna teach you and show you how. Maybe slow talaga ako, ibang level sila. Some months I am very good. In 3 days, I screwed up my name again. No mercy.

Kaya mo yan les.. There's something that I would like to hear more.. 'Cge, resign na!' :)))

Wed night I went out with my good friend, drank too much because I was too upset, and anyway ladies night is all free. 7 shots (vodka, martini are nothing much, but tequilla is the killer) ok first time I knew what it meant to float.

A friend from Manila asked me why I am here and that I shouldnt be career-centered. It was not just about career, or it was never about career :p. Is it for money, I cant say no. Perhaps only people who havent experienced the scarcity of money or the bounty of it, will never know what money is for, ayoko maglinis to say money doesnt matter at all. Whatever your hobby is, sports or photography or travel or even providing for your family, I dont think you can fulfill any of it without money. Is it for exposure? Is it for experience? Anyway, I also dont know how to answer and what it is exactly for. Maybe you can give me an answer.

Loser mode. Pray hard that I'll be fine!